As a followup to my Tuesday Inspiration post from a few weeks ago, I thought I'd talk about what it's like to be single, and actively trying not be single, during a pandemic.

I was broken up with at the start of the pandemic and felt so relieved of the timing of it all. Having to grieve a relationship while locked up at home as the world fell apart around us was oddly comforting. As an introvert, as someone who loves love and loves being in a relationship, the idea that I could just mourn the breakup without having to 'put myself out there' or force myself to go to bars and try to actively meet someone was refreshing.

I didn't have to listen to my mom or my friends tell me to buck up and get out there. Is there anything more annoying than people telling you what to do with your love life? I am an extremely shy person when it comes to relationships - I'm borderline prudish because I always want a relationship. I am not someone who is a casual dater or just wants a random hookup. I want a true, deep connection and I like to go at my own pace. It takes time for me to warm up to people, to see if I really like them, and if I find them worth it.

For someone who doesn't date a lot, I know exactly the type of 'dater' I am. 

That's why lockdown was perfect for me - I felt like I could be exactly who I wanted with no pressure because we couldn't go anywhere! I was able to have the best of both worlds: getting over my relationship while staying home without regret, and yet still being able to make connections with guys on dating apps. 

There was no pressure and it was glorious.

However, once things started opening up in the early summer months, it became a little more touch and go. I was finally having to break out of my cocoon and face the music - I was single and I needed to figure out how to navigate that world again.

Credit: Styled Stock Society

I talked to a ton of guys over the spring, summer, and fall months but didn't go out with any of them; they were all a bit strange or moving a little too fast and just didn't feel worthy of my time. Then things got bad again in the winter, indoor dining shut down and the holidays came hard and fast. I also wasn't in the best mental state so I put dating on the back burner. 

Everyone is struggling right now in the dating department - how do you date during a pandemic? 

• Make sure the person you're thinking about going out with is taking the pandemic seriously. Masks, social distancing, etc. 
• Rely a little more heavily on text communication (or calls/face time but I'm not about that life). If you want to play it safe, technology is going to have to play a role
• Be more selective; don't go out with every guy to limit your exposure to the virus
• Don't let anyone tell you how to feel or that you should give every person a chance - go with your gut
• Don't put pressure on yourself if someone is making you feel uncomfortable, whether that is over text or in person
• If you're getting weird vibes from someone pre-date, don't waste your time

I've been wanting to write a post like this for a while but the timing never felt right, or I just wanted to write about something else.... but better late than never, right? And what a great time to write it, the week before Valentine's Day! 

Love is something I have always loved. I was and still am, kind of obsessed with it. I was always a hopeless romantic; my favorite movies are romantic comedies, and I love a good super couple. Growing up, the adults in my life didn't set the best examples but I found really fantastic examples of good, healthy relationships through my friends. Almost every single one of my 'home' friends have been in relationships since we were teenagers... and they're all getting married within the next year. I love them so much.

I was always the single girl. I didn't have a real boyfriend until two years ago... we could get technical and say I had a boyfriend in college but, well, we won't. I always chased the boys who didn't like me, or just preferred my friends. I got very used to third, fifth, or ninth wheeling throughout my teenage years but once I got to college, I started to feel the pressure of being alone, even though none of my college friends had boyfriends. 

I craved male attention, I craved a relationship, I craved someone I could simply be with. I just wanted to experience that for once in my life... and I did and it was amazing. It taught me what love felt like and it also taught me a lot about what I needed from a partner. It taught me what I wanted and what I didn't want... but those lessons came much later and I think I'm still learning them.

When I got into my first real relationship in 2018, I thought I had found it. I was happy, probably the happiest I'd ever been and things seemed great. We never fought, we laughed, we got along great, we had enough in common and everything felt easy.

Clearly that wasn't the case because I was completely blindsided by the breakup that happened in early March 2020, right before the pandemic hit. I was gutted, I was stunned and thrown off guard. We never spoke after the breakup even though I desperately needed closure but you know, I got over it and I truly feel like the pandemic helped that. I was able to grieve and heal at my own pace... it truly couldn't have come at a better time. 

Everyone was home, I had so much other stuff to worry about and I didn't need to concern myself with dating or 'putting myself out there'. It wasn't until mid-summer that it hit me... I was ghosted by someone I thought I loved and it was a jarring feeling. Sometimes it still hits me, out of the blue, that I spent almost two years with someone I never truly knew. It'll take a lot of you... going through something like that. 

I never really understood what anyone meant when they said relationships taught you lessons. It wasn't until this year that I realized that I've learned quite a few lessons: You will know when you are in love and when someone loves you. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don't make excuses, don't ignore the red flags, and don't settle. In the words of Stormi Webster, patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait. I truly believe all of those things. 

Over the years, I've realized that I need to just be patient. For years, for basically my entire life, I went searching for love, for a man to love me, and I've found it before. I lost it, but I found it and I know I will find it again. The relationships before came when I least expected it, when I wasn't looking for someone, when they just fell into my lap and it was beautiful. I'm not destined to be alone, no one is, and I know that I will find love again. 

As Valentine's Day approaches, I'm in a much different place versus last year but I'm also in a much different headspace than I was even a few months ago. I've accepted that I'll be alone for now and maybe when I least expect it, someone will come along and change everything... the way men before have changed everything for me. 

In honor of Valentine's Day, below are a few of my favorite love quotes, all from Pinterest, and all from my love quote board so appropriately named "Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours". See, I told you I'm a hopeless romantic! 

xoxo
B

 I've been moving this post around on my editorial calendar for the past few months because I didn't know when it felt right to write something like this. This year, with the pandemic, has been truly been horrifying. Who would've thought that a virus could shut down the entire world? This was something that I never even imagined and something that never crossed my mind as a possibility. 

Back in March, I was already feeling horrible about the year; my aunt passed away and my boyfriend broke up with me so I wasn't thrilled about 2020 to start with. Now, every day seems to get worse and there has been a huge effect on my mental health. 

When this all started and we were on full lockdown here in NYC, it felt like you were in a horror movie. I remember I went back to my office at the end of March (I needed to grab some items) and the streets were empty... I'm not exaggerating; aside from a few delivery men, I was the only person on the street. It felt like a movie set... it felt like someone was making a movie about New York and this was their fake New York. If you are in Manhattan every day, with crowded streets and loud noises, and full of life, to see the city like that was a shock to the system.

Writing last week's Tuesday Inspiration was very therapeutic and I loved it. Thank you for reading! 

Tuesday inspiration was a blog series I used to do back in the days. If I'm being totally honest, it was an easy filler in terms of content and it made me feel connected to all of you. It was where I got serious and discussed things that were close to my heart.

At some point along the way, I stopped posting them because I had new ideas and felt that it was tired. At some point, I didn't think it resonated with anyone and it didn't resonate with me. Life was ok for a while and I didn't feel like I needed the inspirational quotes to help me get through the days.

Times have changed though and we're five months into what I think is the worst year ever. I had the highest of hopes for this year and they crumbled so fast and so dramatically. My aunt died in January, coronavirus started in mid-end February, I got broken up with out of the blue in March and then the world imploded.

It truly has been a dumpster fire of a year and we're not halfway done. It's very scary, it's very discouraging and it's very nerve-wracking. Besides everyone's physical health is at risk, our mental health is at risk too. It's really difficult and I just wish the best for everyone.

Quotes from Pinterest quotes from people I respect... just a good feeling, in general, goes a long way right now. It's important, I think, to really remain hopeful and know that everything, the good and the bad come to an end. This won't last forever.

From now on, whenever I feel like we could all use a pick me up, I'm going to utilize Tuesday Inspiration. Some weeks will have a message, some will just be rambles, some will just be quotes. Either way, positivity is needed.

On this fine summer Tuesday I think we could all use a little inspiration. The week after any holiday is a rough one so we can all use a pick me up. I love a good quote, as you all know, but I love a quote from an inspirational, incredible woman.

That's what I have for you today... and I credit ProFlowers for these awesome little graphics. How adorable are they?

Right now I'm dealing with a really bad bout of anxiety. I don't know what it is but I've had it for the past two days and I can't shake it. I've tried to busy myself with organizing, cleaning, and cooking. I binge watched Riverdale on Sunday (again), tried to check things off a to-do list and even took a nap.

*I'm writing this on Monday*

Yesterday I woke up with crippling anxiety and I couldn't focus on anything. I did my hair, watched Youtube videos and I ran a few errands. I tried to write a few different blog posts and nothing would come out. That's why I decided to just ramble about the anxiety I was feeling.

I wanted to write my blog anniversary post which is tomorrow, I tried writing a beauty post that I wanted to post today, and my anxiety was so bad I just couldn't focus. I'm so anxious my hands are shaking. It hasn't been this bad in a while.



I took a break from writing this post because I had a massive anxiety attack. There were lot of tears, shortness of breath, and some screaming. Yes, screaming. Sometimes when the anxiety takes over, I can't control myself and my actions -- it's like I black out and just do whatever it is I need to do to survive. I needed to let all the toxins out and I do that by yelling through my cries.

I'm not sure what exactly triggered the anxiety attack but I do know that it was one of the worst ones and it was physically painful to go through.

I'm going to the doctor on Friday and I have to talk to her about changing my mediciation because the anxiety has been coming harder and faster lately which it shouldn't be because of my mediciation.

It's very funny that I write this now because I just submitted an article for publication about my struggle with anxiety and how I overcame it. I have overcome my daily battle in a way because the anxiety isn't always there, however I do still experience it and that is something I will struggle with forever.

Are you struggling with anxiety today? What are your remedies?
xoxo
B

I have been feeling some type of way for the past few weeks. It's not anxiety, it's not sadness, it's not depression... it's just off and confused.

I'm feeling a little lost like I can't get myself together. I have so many thoughts running around in my head and can't seem to get them all together. I can't seem to put everything I'm feeling down on paper, or even into words.

I think most of this is stemming from what I want in my professional life. I guess I just feel kind of stuck, a little down on myself, and almost discouraged.

There is so much I want to do, so many places I want to work for, so many places I want to write for and nothing is happening. I'm trying my hardest to make things happen but I feel like I'm not moving fast enough, like I'll never get there.

I also feel like I want to write more and it was one of my goals for the year but so far, I haven't written a single article this year.

It's not that the blog isn't enough, it's just that I want to write different things. I want to be a journalist, which has always been my dream and the reason I am who I am, but how do I do that? I've gotten caught up in the social media world and now I don't know how to get off the ride, or how to go in a different direction.

I think I'm feeling very discouraged and like I need something to shake me up... I need some real guidance.

Does anyone else feel this way?

The past few weeks I've been really down, mixed in with some utter happiness about fall starting, but nonetheless, I've felt off.

It kind of feels like when I graduated and everything was up in the air. There was a lot of change on the horizon and new beginnings... it kind of feels like that now expect that nothing is really changing.

I feel like things should be changing though.

I guess I have stumbled upon the true quarter-life crisis, two months early. My 25th birthday is on November 30th and it feels like things should be moving at a faster pace. I feel old, I feel like I'm behind. I'm single, in the same job I was when I graduated (which is FINE because I really love my job), and still living at home.

I never compare myself to other people but right now,  I am. I see other people moving out and doing different things and I don't feel like I'm moving as fast as everyone else. I've always been a late bloomer, in so many ways, and I think that I'm just running late, as per usual.

I feel like I don't know where I want my life to go. Do I want to stay in social media forever? Do I want to move into full-time writing? Will I ever finish the book I'm writing? Do I want a total change and go into publishing? Will my blog ever make it?



There are so many career-related questions because my career is the only thing I have a real control over. My love life is another story... while I have some sort of control over that, I don't really because it's all about emotions and I'm a rather shy girl so I've never had much luck in that department.

My living situation...I'm perfectly fine at home. It's just me and my mom right now so it's like living with a roommate anyway. I don't feel financially responsible enough to live on my own just quite yet.

I feel like I'm losing control of everything and it's really scary to be at this weird crossroad that I was at just three years ago. Back then, I had an excuse, I had just graduated college.

What is my excuse now?

I'm hoping that I'll feel better soon and that maybe with some reading, writing, and planning I'll get over this hump... that is until November 30th when I'm officially in my mid-twenties.

I had this post originally planned for tomorrow, but when I sat down on Sunday to write it, it felt unnatural. It wasn't originally a Tuesday Inspiration post, it was an update on how I've been dealing with my dad's death.

Last Friday was the 1 year anniversary which is why my weekly wrap up post was posted on Saturday. I wasn't too sure of how I would feel on the anniversary and didn't know what to expect but it was like any other day, I just felt a little more somber.

I was more upset on Thursday, anticipating it, and a little more mellow on Saturday afterwards. I went to work on Friday and then got dinner with a few friends afterwards; it was a normal day but in the back of my mind, it was still there.

When I sat down to write this post, I didn't know what I wanted to say because it just still feels weird. It's been one year without my dad and I still don't know how I'm handling it. I'm just at a loss for words when it comes to this; I miss him so much and I have to remind myself daily that he isn't here. It's very weird to wake up and remember that your life is different and someone you loved unconditionally is no longer with you.



I've been open with my grief but right now, I don't really know what to say.

I guess this is just a nonsense, rambling blog post & I apologize for that but sometimes I need Royally Pink to be a place where I dump my thoughts incoherently.

All I will say is that if you lose someone you love, no matter who it is, the sun still shines and the world still turns. You can get through it because I have and I know people who have as well. It is not the end of the world even though it may feel like it is. Take your time to grieve, but you will spend the rest of your life grieving; the pain will get better but you will still have times where you slip up and want to call that person and you know they will not be there.

You will get choked up and cry on the train looking at photos, and when you hear someone mention their dad it will sting like no tomorrow. But you can do it, because you have to.

xoxo
B

I've explained countless times on here how I suffer from anxiety. It's something that started my senior year of high school, got worse freshmen year of college and then I finally realized what it was my junior year. Dawning on the fact that "oh, I have anxiety, that's what this feeling is" really helped me deal with it.

I had a concrete answer to what I was feeling and what my body/mind was going through.

The anxiety went away a lot senior year of college because I was having too much fun; things were good for me, and then I graduated and the anxiety took control of me.

I've tried therapy, journaling, yoga -- all those things worked but I knew it was something bigger inside my head. I would feel a switch go off inside my mind and suddenly, there was the anxiety that's been looming over my head. I knew this was deeper; much deeper than being cured with a few downward facing dogs.

In September 2015 I went on medication to help deal with my anxiety and my life changed forever. The air was lighter, things weren't as scary anymore and the world was just a better place. When my dad died, my dosage was increased and things felt much better.



I'm not one of those people who don't believe in medicine (I don't judge you if you are, to each their own!) but I pop advil like they're candy and I've seen what medicine does for people with depression and anxiety; I knew this was something that would help me and it did. My life got better.

Now, I think it's time to change things up. I had a massive anxiety attack at work yesterday and I've been very tired *like I've explained*, and I feel myself slipping into that deep slump again. The slump, the black dog, the funk as I explain it as...it's coming and I really don't want it to take hold of me again.

Until I get back to my doctor and talk about changing up my medicine, I've been trying to do things to help in the meantime. Essential oils, reading a calming book, Nerve Tonic, tea & lots of water... I'm doing them as I write this post and it made a world of difference in my mood. I just feel insanely calm, and I'm thankful for those helpful tips to make my life a little better.

That quote above explains what anxiety is all about, and how it feels to be inside your head at all hours of the day.

I'll definitely be expanding more on this in the future, and I did have something else planned for today, but I was feeling inspired ... and anxious.

xoxo
B

I had a post about the best nighttime moisturizers planned today, and was halfway through writing it when I realized I just did a post on it back in January. Blogger brain times 100!

We haven't had an inspiration Tuesday in a while and with good reason -- I've been feelign pretty good mentally & emotionally (THANK GOD) but physically, not so much. I want to discuss this in another post but I found out that I have a Vitamin D deficiency and that could be the reason I've been so exhausted lately.

It's nice to have some sort of answer in regards to my exhaustion, being the Vitamin D; average Vitamin D should be at around 30 & mine is at 9. The doctor prescribed me some hardcore Vitamin D supplements, not even OTC because that's how low it was. It explains something so I'm grateful or that.

It's actually gotten so bad and I'm getting so frustrated with myself because I'm constantly exhausted no matter how much sleep I get. I actually felt like crying this weekend because I could barely keep my eyes open.

I do think that there is something else wrong and will hopefully get it figured out with the doctor sooner rather than later, but I just wanted to share it with you all. So, if you see me go quiet on the blog for a day or two, it's because I literally couldn't focus I was so tired after work.

Anyways... all this exhaustion talk got me thinking & I came upon this little quote.

A lot of you took well to my last Tuesday Inspiration and it got me thinking to kind of revamp the series. I used to just post a quote and be done with it, because that was an easy way to convince myself I was posting 4-5 times a week.

Well, now I guess I use them more as a ranting/venting platform with a little insight thrown in.

I've been thinking a lot of lately, of just being me, like I spoke about the last time. I kind of realized that I have no patience or time for things or people that do not make me happy. I have zero time to tend to people who add nothing but stress or anxiety to my life.

I realized this as I was looking through all my social media and was annoyed by a lot of what I saw. You know how some people just get under your skin and you step back and ask yourself why you're still following them?

That's what happened... and I went on an unfollowing spree. It felt good, therapeutic almost. I was following people that I felt I needed to follow, because it's a courtesy, because at one point we were friends. Well now I don't know anything about you so bye bye!

Why do we still follow people on social media that add nothing to our lives?

It got me thinking further...

Why do we keep people in our lives that just add stress & anxiety? If you're not gaining anything from the friendship or relationship, why are you bothering to keep it afloat?

I don't think I have too many people like that in my life, but there are a few and maybe it doesn't have to be a permanent break. Maybe it's just a break for a few days to get your mind settled, maybe it's a week because you just need some space.

Either way, we need to take more time for ourselves to make us happy & do what we want, instead of what you feel like you need to do.

If you can't deal with a text message right now, don't reply immediately. Let it sit there. People do it to you.

Now, I don't mean start being an asshole to all your friends, but realize what you need & what makes you happy for once.

I'm the type of person who really thinks about other people's feelings before my own so if someone is annoying me, I won't stay away because I'm afraid of confrontation or I feel bad not answering the person. I'm a people pleaser by heart.

Lately though, I've been trying to put that on hold and realize what makes me happy and what annoys me... and trying to stay away from the annoyances in order to keep my happiness afloat.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I just a bitch?

Let's end things on a positive note:

This is a different kind of Tuesday Inspiration. I've been thinking a lot about how people live their lives, how I live my life.

I'm a simple girl who loves to shop, drink Champagne, hang out with friends, and stay home to be on the Internet or watch trashy reality tv marathons.

In college I was that girl, but in a different way. I still loved to relax and get my sleep but I could stay out till 3 AM, drink two bottles of wine at a mixer, and still make it to my sorority even the next day. I was a planner, I loved to have my toes in everything, and I loved to party. I never missed a beat while I was in school... but that was two years ago.

In the same breath, I didn't party like other people. I didn't go home with different guys every night, I didn't get blackout drunk every weekend, and I liked to stay local in my college town.

I never liked the same things everyone else did, ever since I was little. I loved to read, I loved staying home and watching tv, I didn't like going out too much. It's just who I am.

Now that I'm 23 years old, I feel more pressure to act a certain way. I feel like I should want to go out all the time to bars and clubs, I should want to never ever stay home and be traveling the world.

Well, I've been thinking a lot about that stuff and the truth is, I'm not like everyone else and I don't want to feel pressure by society (so dramatic) or my friends/peers to be doing that "typical 20 year old stuff". I'm 85 years old at heart and I'm fine.



I don't like dating apps, and as much as I want someone in my life, I know I'm not going to find it on Tinder or Bumble.. that doesn't mean no one can (people have!) but I know I probably won't.

I work a full time job and deal with an almost 2 hour commute daily (2 hours there, 2 back) and you know, if I feel too exhausted on a Friday night to go out, that's ok.

If I'd rather get wasted at brunch on a Saturday afternoon than a bar on a Saturday night, that's ok too.

If I want to stay inside in my air conditioning and blog on a Sunday afternoon instead of sitting outside on a hot beach.. what's so wrong with that?

I would love to travel and visit new places but you know, sometimes I'd rather have an eyeshadow palette. I shouldn't have to feel bad about that.

Yes, I get anxiety and yes sometimes I probably have to force myself to go out because I mean, I do like to be social but on my own terms.

I'm not insecure by any means, but this is a topic that annoys me and that I'm self conscious about. If I want to stay home, I want to stay home and I shouldn't have to feel sorry for it.

Well, I think this week I finally owned all of this and I decided that I'm not going to be self conscious about doing what I want to do, how I want to do it. It's my life and I will live how I please... as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

#RantOver

Does this make sense to all of you? Does anyone else feel pressured to do things they don't want to do? Tell me in the comments!

I've felt very down lately.. well, just the past few days. I struggle with "being happy" and being positive, though I know that life isn't all about being happy and having a great time-- that's not how it works.

I've fallen into a funk, and I hate feeling this way. It's just not me! I put a lot of pressure on myself to be happy and make the most of life, and so on and so forth, but there are always going to be hiccups and bad days, and I can't get down on myself because I don't feel happy 100% of the time, 24/7.

I'd be lying if I said I don't struggle with watching other people live their life to the fullest, and have fun every day of the week. Social media does that. I want to be the girl at brunch on a Saturday morning, mimosa in hands, and endless laughs happening. I'd like to go to blogging events after work, or grab a drink at happy hour. I'd like to enjoy going out to a bar and staying out till 4 AM, but I'm coming to realize I'm not that person.

I'm tired once the clock hits 5 P.M and I just want to come home and lay in bed. Saturday mornings, I like to lounge around my house in my pajamas and read a book. I'm asleep by midnight on the weekends because I was running errands all day, or getting a quick dinner with friends.

Why am I putting pressure on myself to do things and live a life that I don't really want? Why am I comparing myself to everyone saying "but they have so much!" -- if I'm happy, then that's fine.

But am I happy? What will make me happy?

It's a constant struggle and I could cry just thinking about it because I just want to feel okay with my life. I don't want to wake up one morning in five years and feel like I've wasted my entire life because I was waiting to be happy, because I was waiting for something good to happen, because I've spent too much time making excuses and complaining.

It's not silly of me to admit that I'm still struggling in the "real world" -- I feel like Bambi walking on new legs, wobbly and straining to stay upright, but still walking nonetheless.

I don't know when it's gonna give, when I'll feel like this is my life and this is how it's going to me -- maybe when I move out of my mom's house and get my own place, maybe when I find some work/life balance, maybe when one day I just wake up and feel like I'm not playing a part.

Your twenties are no joke.

I was not prepared for this constant feeling like I'm missing out on something. I have FOMO 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but I don't do much about it. I make excuses... I'm too tired, I have to blog, I don't feel good. I want to stop doing that, but I can't help it.

This has to be the most frustrated I've ever felt in my entire life and it's a horrible feeling.

I've just rambled on and on, maybe not even making any sense, and I don't know if I'll even post this because it's a bit raw for me, but it' just how I feel.