Do you ever feel like you're so inside your head you can't think straight? The voices in your head are so overpowering that you forget how to speak? That's how I've been feeling for months and I can't seem to break the cycle.

Every morning I wake up with a knot in my stomach, like I'm forgetting something or there's a missing piece somewhere in my path. I can't seem to put my finger on why I'm feeling that way or how to fix it, so I walk through the day with this cloud hanging over my head, looking over my shoulder and wondering if I'll ever figure out what's bothering me.

In my head, I have a very specific idea of who I want to be in my life. I want to be someone who is happy, successful, chic, glamorous, fun and exciting. I want to be the kind of girl who wakes up at 5 AM, works out, meditates, journals, goes on a walk and lets the sun shine on her back. I want to focus, to be productive to achieve my dreams and be a hard worker. I want to make myself a nice dinner, have a mocktail or a glass of wine in my fancy apartment, watch television, read and fall peacefully asleep in a cozy, warm room. I want my life to look like the night luxe trend on TikTok, or some other aesthetically pleasing visual that comes across your social media feed.

 Ok so it's an e-book and I self published it but it still counts! 

It seems like my entire life has been leading to this point. I have always wanted to be an author and I used to dream about what it would be like to see my name on the cover a book, what it would be like to have a writing routine, to get all my ideas out on paper and have people read it the way I've read so many authors. 

It's a dream that I've been working toward for years, that is constantly on my vision board and now this year it's happening.

 The grief and amount of death I have experienced at 30 years old is more than the average person. It is more than the average person in my life, at least. It started out at age 13 when my grandpa died. Then, I had a few of my mom's cousins who we were close to pass away, then my dad passed away, my aunt a few years later. A few more of my mom's cousins tragically passed in the coming years and last year, we loss my grandpa.

Since then, we also lost my great aunt, my grandpa's sister and every time my family and I walk into a funeral home it feels like a cruel joke.

We laugh, we poke fun, how we're always at a funeral but that kind of tragedy sticks with you. 

My relationship with grief has transformed since my dad passed in 2016. The 7 year anniversary was last week and it felt like a very ominous day. I was oddly calm but the reminder of what the day symbolized lingered in the background of my mind.

 I've been struggling with my mental health for years and while things have gotten better at times, and I'm much better than I was years ago, the past few months have been really hard for me. I've been having a lot of panic attacks (which is proof in itself that my mental health is on the decline because I only have panic attacks when things are at rock bottom), and just having an overall anxious feeling on a daily basis.

The issue with my anxiety is that it is not situational, though I do experience anxiety in high stress and pressure situations, but rather my anxiety is just always there lingering underneath the surface. Everything could be going fine and I'm extremely anxious. When I don't know why my anxiety is flaring up it's harder for me to fix and find a way to feel better. It's torturous to live with a lump in your throat, your heart beating fast, and just an overall feeling of nervousness and discomfort.

 Mental Health Awareness month is so important to me because I struggle so much with mental health. It is so empowering to me that so many other people around the world struggle with the same things I do and I am so grateful to live in a time where speaking about your mental health is normal. 

Perhaps I am lucky because I grew up in a household where mental health struggles were normal. Whenever I was feeling sad, anxious, or just out of sorts, those feelings weren't pushed away. Because my family members understood what I was going through my feelings were taken seriously and they pushed me to get better. 

I've been extremely open with my issues on the blog and social media over the years. I have never been ashamed that I have anxiety and depression because I have never felt shame around it.  The last time I gave an update was in May 2021, aka the last Mental Health Awareness Month so I guess we're making this a tradition.

I am someone who craves routine. I live and breathe by my structured days and when I am thrown off my usual routine, I feel very anxious and confused. 

I also am someone who wants to, and likes to, do a lot of things. I want to be the best version of myself and have really healthy habits but because my mind is always a chaotic place, it's hard to stay on track. I will start incorporating products or routines into my daily life but after a while, I get distracted and lose track.

A few months ago, I found that I was really craving more structure when it comes to my wellness routine. I wanted to make sure I was doing things I wanted on a daily/weekly basis. I wanted something to tell me what to do every single day of the week. These habits are meant to enrich my life and not seem too much like a checklist... but how should I stay on top of things without being overwhelmed?

I have always been fascinated by millennials. I mean, I am a millennial but for my entire life, I've heard criticisms of my generation. We're lazy, entitled, anxious, depressed, etc. We are a generation that has inherited a lot of turmoil and has been surrounded by it our entire lives. We are the first generation to not be as well of as our parents. 

We watched thousands of people die on national television when we were kids, can't remember a time before the Iraq war, grew up with the mentality that we can do anything, were always busy, and then inherited the worst recession since the Great Depression. 

How are millennials NOT going to be burnt out, anxious and depressed?

That notion, that millennials are the burnout generation is fascinating and as an entitled, self-centered millennial, I love to get inside the psyche of my peers 

When I saw that this book, "Can't Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation" was being released, I was really excited. It was exactly what I was looking for and the answer to all of my questions. The book was inspired by an article written of the same name, by the same author, in January 2019. 

I remember when the article was released, it took social media by storm. It was eye-opening and jaw-dropping so it wasn't a surprise that Petersen got a book deal out of it.  

The book was published in September 2020 and I immediately bought it. I read and finished it at the beginning of this year so I'm not sure why I haven't written a book review until now. 

If you haven't heard, May in Mental Health Awareness Month and even though the month is almost over, I think it's still really important to talk about mental health, especially mine! I've been really open in the past about my anxiety, depression, and overall struggles when it comes to mental health so I think it's only right to give you an update. 

Like so many others, my mental health plummeted during quarantine, mostly toward the end of the summer and all the way through the end of 2020. It was probably my lowest point ever... before I went on medication even. It was really scary and really disheartening. I pride myself on being in control of my mental health, even when I'm feeling low and to not know how to handle it was a weird feeling.

It was so bad that I could barely get out of bed, couldn't muster up a smile or good thought, and cried all the time. I took control though and started implementing some strong changes that have helped. That's the entire point of this post, to walk you through some of my self-care practices that have really made a difference.

I cannot believe it has been a year since New York City locked down. On March 14th, 2020, the restaurants, bars, schools, and other 'essential' businesses closed. I was at my best friend's bridesmaids brunch when we got the news and we were all freaking out a bit. It was really overwhelming, anxiety inducing, and scary. 

As a world, we had never experienced anything like what we were on the cusp of and it was terrifying. We were watching China and Italy fall apart, and we had no idea that NYC was next. 

I don't think anyone understands what it was like in March-May here in New York, unless you were here. I don't live in Manhattan but mid-March I went into my office to grab a few things and I felt like I was in a movie. There was no one on the streets. The only people I saw were the mailmen and delivery workers. I was shaken to my core when I left... I never saw my city like that and I never want to see it again.

The difference about NYC going through the pandemic this time last year was that we were going through it alone. No other state was experiencing the spikes in cases and dates that we were... we were shipping in doctors and nurses from around the country because we didn't have enough people on the frontlines, we had a ship in the harbor, hospitals were set up in parking lots and parks. It was intense. Watching Governor Cuomo speak daily was hypnotizing, watching the numbers go up and up was really sickening; at the height of it, I remember we had 800 deaths in a day. I couldn't believe what we were living through. 

Politics aside, New York set the standard for how to handle the pandemic; the closures, the precautions, the extra hospital beds. We were figuring it out as the hours passed and to witness it was truly scary. When the first few people I personally knew died, it felt like a gut punch. It was devastating to know that their life was going to be a number, that we couldn't have proper funerals... it was just so sad. 

What I remember so vividly was how unknown everything was; it's amazing to think that we know more than we did a year ago because there was a time where no one knew what the virus was like, no one knew what to expect so the incredible fear we all had of catching Covid was at an all time high. 

Of course, to catch it now is still scary but doctors know what they're doing, we know more about the virus, if you are young and healthy, you will probably be ok. It just feels so different versus what life was like at the beginning. 

On another note, it still feels all incredibly traumatic. I am not diminishing mental health disorders (you know I am a huge advocate of mental health) but I can't help but feel we all went through an incredibly traumatic experience. Never mind the healthcare workers who went through what I would classify as a medical war, but as a city, a state, a nation, a world... we went through trauma.

This week was hard for no particular reason but there was an underlying sense of anxiety. The articles, the memories, the knowledge that this time last year, the entire world changed. Also, the weather was really beautiful and it felt like spring which also kind of triggered me. I just can't believe that we have been living this way for an entire year, but in the same breath, I can't believe it's only been a year. 

The days during quarantine were intense; I was still working while my mom and sister were in the rest of the house, trying to keep sane and busy. TikTok became a staple, my sister worked out multiple times of day. My friends and I organized Zoom calls, my sister and I learned TikTok dances, and we spent hours watching television. Life was so strange when the highlight of our week was going for a walk in the park (this wasn't until mid-May when things were a on the up) or going grocery shopping.

All that being said, I never felt bored. I'm very good at entertaining myself and it almost felt good to be stuck in the house. Being home is my favorite thing so I feel like I was kind of thriving, as horrible as it sounds. 

People on TikTok has been romanticizing early quarantine and someone explained it perfectly; March/April was the only time during the pandemic where the entire country (and probably the world) was on the same page. We were all scared, all nervous, all waiting for the other shoe to drop and the only time where pretty much everyone was taking it seriously. If they weren't taking it seriously, or didn't believe it the virus (ridiculous!!) they were still stuck at home. It's pretty much the only time in our life we could say everyone was experiencing the same thing.

I know this was a very long, rambling post but I just needed to commemorate this moment in the time. One year into a pandemic, we are still wearing masks, still social distancing, still mourning, still learning, still changing, and still waiting for life to return to normal. But there is hope! 1 in 10 Americans are vaccinated against Covid-19 and what a beautiful statistic that is!

xoxo
B