I've been having a really hard time lately. I miss my dad.... a lot and I forget that he's gone at the most random times throughout the day.
I'll be making coffee at work, standing at the Keurig machine and a random thought will pop in my head and I'll say to myself "I have to tell my dad" and a wave of grief washes over me.
The worse wave of grief I've had? I was sitting in my performance review the week after he passed and my review was met with flying colors. I was so proud of myself and I thought, in the middle of my review, that I couldn't wait to tell my dad because he'd be so proud of me.
It took everything in me to not start crying in the middle of the review, in front of my boss.
When the Yankees are playing, or I hear a funny joke, or my train is delayed, I want to run and tell him. I want to tell him when I'm sick or when something good happened and it's a horrible feeling to be reminded of it constantly.
While I don't cry every day, I have my moments. I know I'll be ok... there are people who have lost a lot more than I have and manage to get up every day.
I know I'll live with this grief for the rest of my life, and when I think about the big moments to come, it makes me miss my dad more.
I'll always miss his face, his voice, his hugs but I do know that he's here, somewhere.
Two steps forward, one step back.