It is time for another installment of the first time dating series! This month we're tackling the ever confusing and frustrating topic of communication.

I remember when I first realized that men and women are inherently different. It was 2015, I was listening to Bethenny Frankel's book "I Suck At Relationships So You Don't Have Too" and was in a bad place with my pseudo-relationship. I was looking for anything to wake me up and instill some wisdom in me.

One of the main messages in the book was that men and women are different in a lot of ways but are very different when it comes to communication and thinking. It was at that moment that I realized that maybe sometimes people aren't being rude on purpose, it's just that you expect everyone to communicate the way you do but that is not the case.

Everyone, man and women, communicate differently and it's our job to learn how people in our lives communicate and tailor it to what you're comfortable with.

Communication is obviously a huge part of any relationship but especially romantic relationships and to me, communication is the most important thing. I think it is because it's my love language -- I like to talk and be reassured verbally of the relationship. That is definitely because, in my past pseudo-relationship, I didn't get that at all.

It's important to me that I'm told that I'm cared for but also that someone is responding to me. Whether it is verbally, by text or phone calls, I need to have written/verbal confirmation of something.

However, in my current relationship, it is incredibly different.



At the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend made it pretty clear that he is not a phone person. He doesn't like to text, he isn't on social media, and can pretty much go days without touching his phone. Because of this, we don't talk a ton during the week. I can go a few days without talking to him and that is totally ok! I've always been a big believer that you don't have to talk to someone daily to have a relationship, whether that is platonic or romantic.

As I mentioned before, previously, I was in a place where I wanted to talk every day because it was reassuring to me. I felt that if he was talking to me, he wasn't talking to anyone else; if he wasn't talking to me, then he was mad at me or going to break up with me. I needed him to always talk to me, I need to be reassured.

That isn't the case now! If I don't talk to my boyfriend for a few days, I know that it's not because he doesn't want to talk to me, or because he's mad at me... it's because that's just not his style and in turn, it's become my style. I don't necessarily have anything to say to someone every single day. Sometimes I don't even want to talk to my mom, sister or friends. Most days, especially lately, I just want to be left alone so it's been working out!

I am so secure with my relationship that the idea of not talking every day doesn't bother me, and because when we're together, we connect so much better! We have so much to talk and laugh about, it's so refreshing. However, most weeks we will have a phone conversation to catch up and that's really nice.

Just because we don't talk constantly doesn't mean we don't communicate... we just communicate better in person than over technology! It works for us and that is the best part of relationships --you do what is best for you and your significant other. My friends and family think it's really weird but it works and I love that.

When I say communication I mean talking about life, interests, catching up but I also mean telling each other when something is bothering you. If he did something that bothered me the wrong way, I'll tell him. A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty nuts and told him that I was feeling insecure and he reassured me that things were ok. Being able to be comfortable in a relationship where you can talk about anything you are feeling is so important and it makes me so happy to be able to do that.

As long as you're communicating in the best way for both of you, then what is wrong with that? Communication is probably the 2nd most important thing to me, other than trust because without communicating, what do you have? Nothing.

What is your advice for communicating in a relationship?
xoxo
B

Last month I started a new series that made me a little vulnerable and was something I never really talked about on my blog and that was dating.

If you missed the first installment, go read it now so you can set the scene for this post. I left off the last post talking about how nerve-wracking the first date was but now I want to talk about how it was to actually date, after the first.

You know that stage in a new relationship where things aren't crystal clear? Where you don't know if you like someone or if someone likes you? During those first five months (yes, it took me five months to really feel comfortable, maybe even longer than that), it was confusing for me because I was very aware that I had never done this before and that my boyfriend, M, was much older... well, he's 5 years older than me but still.



As we were starting to date and I knew that I really liked M, I was a little nervous on how we were going to move to the next level. Was I being too overbearing? Too clingy? Was he boyfriend? When would we be official?

These weren't thoughts that made me anxious but were just on my mind. I'll tall about this in a later post but I've been very chill for my entire relationship which a lot of people are surprised at.

Our first date was in June and we saw each other most weekends throughout the summer. Labor Day Weekend was probably the first weekend I didn't see M. After that, we saw each other pretty much every weekend.

It's wasn't an intentional thing where we made a plan to see each other only on the weekends, or every weekend for that matter but it was routine we fell into quite easily. He would come to my neighborhood one weekend, I'd go out to his the next. We would go for dinner, a movie, and then just hang out at the house. We had a nice little thing going and I wasn't worried about where we were headed next.

I liked taking things slow, it helped me really be sure of myself and the decision I was making. I was guarded with my heart and my life, so it took a really long time for me to be comfortable in this relationship.

I didn't even consider M my boyfriend until mid-October, and the first time he ever introduced me as his girlfriend was in December. It was just something that wasn't really important for me to bring up because I was sort of focused on enjoying time in our little bubble.

Dating M, before I was even sure where it was headed, was a significant part of our relationship. I wasn't talking to any other guys (and I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking to other girls, but honestly we never discussed it) so my energy was all in on him, but I was still aware that we were 'dating'. We weren't dating around but just dating each other.

We talked about everything and learned so much about each other in those first few months and I don't even think we realized what was happening. We became more connected, more in tune with each other, and just really enjoyed spending time together without friends and family coming into our space.

This time, to me, is super important in any relationship because you truly understand who someone is and if you can tolerate/enjoy spending time with them alone. If you're thinking about getting into a relationship with someone, take the time to date them without rushing into labeling it or moving too quickly.

xoxo
B

I've had this idea burning a hole in my content calendar for a while... probably since last June which is when I went out on my first ever date.

Yes, you heard that right -- I was 25 years old and had never been out on a date.

Let's backtrack, shall we?

I was always the girl who never had a boyfriend. I liked boys, they didn't like me; I kind of just assumed that's how my life would go for a very long time. In high school, all my friends had boyfriends and most of them are still together today... which means that I've been surrounded by long-lasting, healthy relationships in a social aspect (not a familial aspect) since I was around 15 years old.

I used to cry myself to sleep wondering when it was going to be my turn to have a boyfriend... to post a cute anniversary picture on Facebook with (we had Facebook when I was 15, not Instagram) or change a relationship status with. I wanted someone, something to make me feel like I belonged.

It didn't get better when I got to college. I was surrounded by all these young men but had no idea how to talk to them. I joined a sorority and honestly, for two years, I was more consumed with my girlfriends than I was with boys and that was ok with me. I loved my sorority, more than I ever thought I could love something in my life and that was my college love, that was enough.

Until it wasn't... and until someone else came along.

My senior year of college I got involved with a guy and we had a very up and down sort of relationship -- an almost relationship if you will. It lasted for around two years after we graduated and then we both firmly realized (well I finally got the hint that it wasn't going to work).

Even though we were together, we weren't really together so we never went out on dates, which brings me back to my first point of being 25-years-old and never going out on a date. 

That started my bout with dating apps. God, I hated them more than anything. I talked to my fair share of guys, a lot who were very sweet and adorable, but it never went anywhere. I was getting frustrated and annoyed with how everything was going and didn't think anything would ever happen... until it did.

My aunt asked me if I wanted to go out on a blind date with her friend's son. I agreed and she gave him my phone number. He texted me, we set up a day and time to meet and I went out on my first date... and a blind date at that.

We met at a seafood restaurant on Long Island and I couldn't focus on anything but my nerves. I drank a little too much, talked a little too loud, and felt so uncomfortable. It had nothing to do with him, he was a perfect gentleman and we had great conversation. There were no awkward silences and everything went smoothly; at the time, I thought I liked him and he seemed like a good guy. However, I still felt so nervous and all I wanted to do was get out of there.

I was so nervous because I was with someone I didn't know, in a town I wasn't familiar with and didn't know how to function on a date. That's why I told the guy that I had to get home because my sister was sick. I just needed to decompress and be alone... which also is related to my social anxiety.

I was so scared when we had an awkward goodbye and didn't think I'd see him again because truthfully, I figured he didn't like me. I wasn't used to guys wanting to be with me...ever since I was a little girl it was always me chasing boys, never the other way around. It might have to do with the types of guys I was chasing, or because I was, in fact, chasing them.

I left my first date shaking and needing to pee. I got home, called my mom and texted my friends to give them the rundown. I didn't really feel any which way about it but was confident I probably wouldn't go out with him again... but at this point, it was just my nerves and my discomfort of this new situation.

Either way, I was surprised that he later texted me saying he had a good time and would like to see me again. Playing hard to get, I told him I couldn't see him next weekend but maybe the week after. He agreed and we made tentative plans for him to come to my neighborhood this time. I spent the next two weeks thinking of canceling the date because I was afraid to put myself out there again.

Well, the second date went a hell of a lot better than the first because now that guy that I was so nervous to meet is my boyfriend of almost a year.



Dating is all about putting yourself out there and as an anxious introvert, that is probably the scariest thing you could tell me. I was also very aware of the fact that I was 25 years old and never had been out on a real date or had a real boyfriend. I was self conscious about the fact that I might not be totally over my ex something and I was just really hard on myself for all those reasons.

When it comes to dating for the first time, there's a lot of things I wasn't sure how to do and that's why I wanted to start this series... to document those scary firsts and to let anyone out there reading know that there is no normal. Being in a relationship is different for everyone, and is different every time you're with someone new. How I was with my almost boyfriend is the complete opposite of how I am with my boyfriend now. It's very interesting...

I'll be writing these every month so if there's something you want me to tackle, let me know!

xoxo
B