August 4, 2015

Tuesday Inspiration + Rambling About Life

I've felt very down lately.. well, just the past few days. I struggle with "being happy" and being positive, though I know that life isn't all about being happy and having a great time-- that's not how it works.

I've fallen into a funk, and I hate feeling this way. It's just not me! I put a lot of pressure on myself to be happy and make the most of life, and so on and so forth, but there are always going to be hiccups and bad days, and I can't get down on myself because I don't feel happy 100% of the time, 24/7.

I'd be lying if I said I don't struggle with watching other people live their life to the fullest, and have fun every day of the week. Social media does that. I want to be the girl at brunch on a Saturday morning, mimosa in hands, and endless laughs happening. I'd like to go to blogging events after work, or grab a drink at happy hour. I'd like to enjoy going out to a bar and staying out till 4 AM, but I'm coming to realize I'm not that person.

I'm tired once the clock hits 5 P.M and I just want to come home and lay in bed. Saturday mornings, I like to lounge around my house in my pajamas and read a book. I'm asleep by midnight on the weekends because I was running errands all day, or getting a quick dinner with friends.

Why am I putting pressure on myself to do things and live a life that I don't really want? Why am I comparing myself to everyone saying "but they have so much!" -- if I'm happy, then that's fine.

But am I happy? What will make me happy?

It's a constant struggle and I could cry just thinking about it because I just want to feel okay with my life. I don't want to wake up one morning in five years and feel like I've wasted my entire life because I was waiting to be happy, because I was waiting for something good to happen, because I've spent too much time making excuses and complaining.

It's not silly of me to admit that I'm still struggling in the "real world" -- I feel like Bambi walking on new legs, wobbly and straining to stay upright, but still walking nonetheless.

I don't know when it's gonna give, when I'll feel like this is my life and this is how it's going to me -- maybe when I move out of my mom's house and get my own place, maybe when I find some work/life balance, maybe when one day I just wake up and feel like I'm not playing a part.

Your twenties are no joke.

I was not prepared for this constant feeling like I'm missing out on something. I have FOMO 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but I don't do much about it. I make excuses... I'm too tired, I have to blog, I don't feel good. I want to stop doing that, but I can't help it.

This has to be the most frustrated I've ever felt in my entire life and it's a horrible feeling.

I've just rambled on and on, maybe not even making any sense, and I don't know if I'll even post this because it's a bit raw for me, but it' just how I feel.






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