It's less than a week till graduation and I am feeling completely emotional, nostalgic, and scared. I am terrified; I don't think I've ever been this scared in my entire life. I have no idea what is coming next nor do I have a plan.
For the first time in my life, I am winging it. Being a total Type A who has written "Make a List" on her To Do List, not knowing what is coming next makes me feel like I'm drowning.
I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I don't know when or how to jump. I'm having my mid life crisis at the age of 21 and I just want this sickening feeling to end.
I have out grown college, I could tell you that but I don't feel nearly ready enough to make the leap into the real world. In my head I am not an adult, I am still a baby, a child who needs her safety net. There is no safety net where I'm going.
I don't feel mature enough to get a real job, put on a blazer and head out into Manhattan or wherever my big girl job takes me. I don't even have a job...and that's scary enough in itself.
I've always been fine with change but I think that's because in every situation, I knew what was coming next. When I graduated eight grade, I was going to high school. When I graduated high school, college was on the horizon. There was always something in the cards, something laid out for me after each big change. Each transition in my life has been followed by another chapter and even though those chapters were unknown, I was able to guess what was coming next.
Now, my life is completely unplanned. There is no plan--literally anything could happen and that is the most terrifying thought of all.
My heart is broken into a million pieces and I cry everyday over the fact that I'll be leaving Iona College and never returning. Yes I'll come back and visit as a alumnae but it'll never be the same. This place has been my home, my little nest for the past four years. I have grown accustomed to my ways here, there is familiarity and routine. There are the same faces as I walk to class, my friends live three minutes away and you could always find someone to grab lunch with or go out with you on a Monday night.
There will be no more parties or Tuesday night chapter meetings or Sunday morning struggle bus. I must say goodbye to all of that. I must say goodbye to classes with my sisters, nights at the bar with my guy friends, seeing my Little on campus and being so overjoyed by her smiling face.
It's so hard to explain what you're going to miss when you leave college because college is indescriable. There is no comparison; it truly is the best four years of your life.
I'm going to miss college more than anything but in my heart of hearts, I know I will keep these friends forever, this home forever; I'll always be able to come back even with the ever changing faces and scenary. It might not be the same but this is the place that changed me, made me, shaped me into who I am.
Just be prepared over the next few weeks for more nostalgic, depressing posts because my life is about to blend into something I have never known.
I found this quote on Pinterest a few months back and I gazed at it every now and again but never truly felt anything. I never felt anything because graduation didn't feel real but with 8 days ahead of us, 8 days left of my college career before I walk across the stage at Madison Square Garden, it's all real.
How lucky am I to have found something that makes saying goodbye so hard? How lucky am I to have found my friends, my family, this college? How lucky am I to have these memories to look back on and to know that I am leaving New Rochelle completely different than how I came in?
There are truly no words to describe my feelings but here's to making the next 8 days count.