Today is my 29th birthday. In one year, I will be a 30-year-old woman and I don't know how to feel about that. I think the past two years have really been clouded with the thought of me leaving behind my twenties and entering this new phase in life. This new, mature, wise age never really felt within my reach.
For years, I waited for the milestone birthdays: 13 years old, 16, 18, 20, 21, and 25. 30 felt so far away, so beyond my grip that I kind of just never thought I'd get there. I don't think of myself as getting older because truthfully, I feel 18 in my head. I don't consider myself an adult because it just doesn't feel real... I still feel like me.
I live at home, I have a great career, I have my blog, I do a lot of writing, I see my friends, I stay home and watch TV most weekends. Things just haven't really panned out how I thought they would but truthfully, I didn't plan much throughout my twenties.
My early 20s were plagued by anxiety, depression, grief, heartbreak. I had an incredible senior year of college where I was young, wild, and free. Then, post-grad I still felt that way but it was different; my friends and I were mourning our old lives but somewhere along the way, that stopped and we stopped reminiscing. The memories faded and became foggy and I didn't feel like that person anymore.
I stopped drinking a lot, spent more time alone, got into a new relationship, and truly reconnected with my 'home' friends that I grew up with. Things changed a lot in the past decade and the image I had of my life at 29 years old is just not what I thought.
I do not have a boyfriend/fiance/husband. I do not have my own apartment. I have not published a book. I have not gotten rid of my anxiety and depression. I have not learned to stop shopping so much. Things are kind of the same they were at the beginning of the decade and it takes a lot for me to admit how disappointed I am in that.
Last year's 28th birthday was a low point for me. It was the first one without my boyfriend in two years, we were in the middle of the pandemic, I was having suicidal thoughts, and I could barely keep it together. I was in the lowest point of my life, probably lower than when I graduated college. It was not a happy birthday and I was determined to fix things in the year ahead.
And you know what? I did. While I might not have all of those other things that I listed before a lot has changed in the past year:
- I started going out on dates more, even if the guys I do like ghost me half the time
- I got a better handle on my anxiety and depression by finding a new therapist and working with her to improve my moods
- I've been less angry about the world and people around me
- I go to the gym more and eat better on a daily basis
- I meditate more and have developed better routines
- I'm a better worker and got a promotion and raise this year, proving that I am an asset to my company
- I am almost finished writing two books
- I read more than ever -- hitting almost 80 books in 2021
- I found a great book community on Instagram and Facebook
- I found a great Stoney Clover community on Instagram and Facebook
- I have a better idea of what I want to do with my life: write, read, and write some more!
- I realized that I truly love creating content and want to immerse myself more into this space and work dam hard at it
- I love being around my friends and can step outside my comfort zone to travel more
- I've stopped looking for things that make me upset on social media and elsewhere
- I am on a journey to be a more positive person
The past year really hasn't been as bad as I thought. I have a lot of good around me and I'm learning to not be on everyone else's timeline. I don't really need a significant other to be happy. Maybe I never want to get married and have kids -- who knows! I am doing my best to live my life the way I want, to be the person I know I want to be... it just takes a lot of work.
No one is on the same wavelength. Just because I am the only single person in my friend group doesn't mean I am less than. For my entire life I have put being in a relationship on a pedestal, thinking that's the only thing that will ever fulfill me but really, I have a very full life. I am also very lucky that my best friends don't make me ever feel self-conscious about my single life, which I think is not the case for a lot of people.
I also take solace in knowing that life can change at any given moment. I can meet the love of my life tomorrow. I can have a book published in three months. Anything can happen at any time and truly, I only have the power to change that. It all gives me hope!
So today, as I enter my 29th year of life, I remain hopeful that the life I want is out there and that I have the ability to make all my dreams come true. And also that my life does not have to look like everyone else's to be full. I do not have to live by societal standards to be happy and feel like I'm worth something. I'm perfectly fine on my own!
This was quite the tangent but it was very therapeutic. Here's to making 29 a great year and a great farewell to my twenties!
xoxo
B
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