One Year Closer to 30 | Birthday Time

in , by RoyallyPink, 3:27 PM

Today is my 28th birthday and I'm unsure how I feel about it. I had an entirely different post planned today -- I wrote it yesterday and I was in a horrible mood so the post reflected that. Today I feel better so I didn't feel like posting something so horribly negative... I also need to learn to not put so much negativity into the world - maybe that can be a goal for the next 365 days. 

It's no secret that this year has been horrible and I've shared my feelings, especially over the past few weeks, on how I've been feeling. 

I don't feel particularly motivated, happy, or ambitious. My anxiety, depression, and intrusive thoughts seem to be taking over which is never good. I wasn't excited about my birthday and was experiencing a lot of anxiety about it. I felt depressed about not knowing how to celebrate, sad about how my life is playing out... I thought I'd be in a much different place by 28 years old, and just really sad about getting older in general.

How is it that I can remember my 21st birthday so clearly, feel like I was just in college and now I'm closer to 30 years old than that age? I almost feel like I don't recognize myself anymore... but is it me or is the pandemic? That is the million-dollar question.

That being said, I'm feeling much better today. I feel a little extra loved, and a bit calmer about everything. It's the worst weather we've had in NYC in a while and I almost feel like it was a little gift for me, because rainy weather is my favorite and it almost makes me feel better about my birthday? I know that sounds crazy but it's true!

As I write this, I just got back from a massage and I treated myself to some croissants this morning for breakfast. I'll be ordering in my favorite restaurant tonight, and having a Milkbar cake, along with some light work and maybe a Christmas movie. 

I have a lot of hope that I can make 28 a good year. At the moment, I feel hopeful but that is always fleeting. I'm ready to hunker down, make changes to my mental & physical health, and really try to live my life instead of letting it pass me by. 

Maybe 28 will be that year... maybe I can really make the changes. Here's to hoping! 


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