March 9, 2016

Hello There...

Hi. It's been a while, hasn't it? It's been almost a week since this blog was at the forefront of my mind and with very good reason.

Last week, my entire life changed. What I had known for the past 23 years was completely gone and I was presented with the most intense struggle of my life.

On Thursday, March 3rd my dad passed away. My man, my rock, my daddy was gone. I still don't know how I'm functioning in a world where he isn't alive but somehow, I'm making it through.

I keep telling myself that he's in a better place, and I truly believe that. I always thought it was a huge cliche but when it happens to you, there is immense comfort in knowing your loved one is in a better, happier place. I was never very religious but I've gone to Catholic school my entire life and I do believe in God, in a classic Christian way. I never thought I'd think this way, that my dad is with God, with my other family members who have passed, and that he's in the most blissful place we can imagine.

My cousin said something really comforting at the funeral "If we knew what was up there, everyone would kill themselves", that's how beautiful Heaven is and I find immense comfort in knowing my dad is up there.

He's smoking cigarretes that don't cause cancer and drinking beer, playing cards, with my grandpa and his uncles and just having an amazing time.

I worried about my dad a lot the past few years and I felt really bad because his life had not been what it used to be. I find comfort in knowing there is no more suffering, no more stress, no more worrying, no more fighting... he is just peaceful.

I don't have to worry about him anymore, my grandma doesn't have to worry about him, no one has to be concerned with if he is ok. I had feared this day for a while--ever since he had a massive heart attack two years ago. I knew this day was going to come and maybe I was better prepared that I thought.

The weekend was incredibly difficult, but comforting in an odd way. The wake, the funeral... it was the most difficult days of my life but I got through with the help of my family and friends. I never knew how loved I truly was until friends surrounded me and held me up.

Everyone commented on how strong I was, how strong my sister was, and I think we knew this day would come soon which is what helped us be more mentally prepared.



Also, and I've only said this out loud to a few people because I feel like it sounds a bit harsh. My parents have been divorced for 10 years. I don't see my dad everyday, or even every week. I saw him once every few weeks... but I spoke to him every single day. My day to day won't change but my life as a whole has changed and that is what stings.

Monday night, after the incredibly long day of his funeral, I waited for him to call me and that is what stung the most. I keep expecting him to call and it's the call I will never get. That is what hurts the most.

Thinking too much isn't my friend at this time, I'm just trying to find the comfort in knowing he's happy and watching over me.

My dad was a Rangers fan & his friends bought this flower arrangement for the wake

Now I have a choice...a choice in how I live my life. I'm not going to rebel, I'm not going to be angry. I'm still going to be me, just with a little chip on my shoulder.

I never thought I'd be this person but here I am. A 23 year old girl who has to go through the rest of her life, the rest of my big milestones, with my dad.

It hurts my heart more than I could imagine but my goodness, am I lucky to have had him for 23 years.





PS: We will return to regular scheduled programming next week <3 


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