Oh hello there. How are all of you today? I'm writing this on a Saturday night at home, with my mom and sister after I just cleaned my makeup brushes (post on that up and coming) and eating macaroons I found in our local Keyfood.
That is usually how my life goes nowadays.
Saturday nights are no longer spent pre-gaming with my sorority sisters, getting ready to go to my favorite fraternity's mixer and waltzing in at 4am. Yeah, my Saturday nights aren't like that at all anymore and it saddens me.
At the beginning of the summer, I was scared as to what my post grad life would bring. I was jobless, living at home and desperate for the nurturing factor of my college campus. It was surprisingly fun, though.
With a slew of graduation parties, birthdays, and a few beach days, I saw my school friends a lot. One of my closest friends even lives a block away from me so we hung out constantly. It was a really great adjustment and I was enjoying post grad.
I was still jobless most of the summer so my days consisted of working out, blogging, tanning and applying to every job I saw. Every day was the same but I didn't mind at all. I love to relax, I love doing nothing and it was refreshing to just be for a while.
It did start to take a toll on me and just before things got ugly, I got an offer and it's incredible. I love going to work, I love traveling into the city, I love being an office environment. I will admit I was really scared in the beginning, very nervous but who wouldn't be. I would be doing an actual "job". I wasn't an intern, I had responsibilities. How would I handle it all? How would I get used to it?
The anxiety attacks I had leading up to my first day and even two-three weeks after were terrible. Traveling into the city kind of scared me and just the idea of being a working person scared me. As I said before, I love my down time and was just not used to being in one place all day.
I have to say though, I have gotten used to it over the past two months and I love it. I look forward to Monday mornings, I like getting dressed and getting coffee before going into the office. I like the subway rides, I like packing my bag to go in. It's weird but I'm enjoying it.
I will say though, I am exhausted at the end of the day and it's still weird to get home and see that the clock says 7pm. Sometimes I'm so tired, I will actually get sick and that is by the far the worst feeling.
My sleeping pattern has been messed up the past few weeks so once I get back on track, I'm sure that will be fine.
|On the train, months ago, riding to the rest of my life|
Even though I am happy with my job, that is not all post grad is. The first few weeks of school back in August, when I saw all my underclassmen friend head back to campus killed me. I cried a lot, I couldn't listen to "American Pie" (a special song to all of us Gaels) and longed for the feeling of my off campus apartment and the sticky floors of the fraternity basement. Still, it pains me to think that I am never going back to school and it's weird.
Aside from being weird, I'm also very lost. I have a great job, I see my friends from school and talk to them everyday, I have a great life but I'm very lost.
I'm scared and lost and confused beyond words. I'm an adult and that thought it scaring the crap out of me.
How do I know what's best for me? What will be my next move? How am I going to find the energy on a Saturday night to get out of my pajamas, shower, and get dressed to go out for a night. How am I going to live at home in this apartment with my mom and sister for an indefinite amount of time?
How am I going to live the life I want to live? What IS the life I want to live? Who am I and who do I want to be?
I realized that my college life defined me. I knew exactly who I was in college. Briana Luca, sister of Phi Sigma Sigma Sorority, VP of Communications on the Greek Council. I was Vice Archon, Rose Queen of Pi Kappa Phi, Sorority Woman of the Year. I went to my Mass Communications classes, wrote for the Ionian Newspaper. I could spit out my elevator speech like a mad woman in college but now, now I don't really know who I am or what defines me.
It's really scary.
I'm going to be 22 in November. I'm in my twenties for real now. Life is real now, this isn't pretend. I have to make decisions for myself, in career, friendship, love... it's terrifying really and it just kind of hit me.
I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't really feel like I have my shit together and it's weird. I have never been one to never have a plan but now, there isn't really a plan to put together because anything can go.
Anything can happen.
It's both exciting and scary but all I could really do is accept it.
Whatever will be, will be. Everything happens for a reason. This too shall pass.
Whatever inspirational quote you can think of, I've said it to myself.
So for now, I'm going to enjoy what I do have and do my best to let go of the planner in me and let the universe take it's course.
Post grad has treated me pretty well so far. It' not as bad as I thought and despite the terrifying feeling I have on a weekly basis, I am enjoying it.
We'll see what else happens :)