So I figured I'd update you on how I'm handling life since I always give vague little updates on my Links to Love posts.
The last time I wrote an update was in September and I was in a bad place... a really bad place, even if the post might not seem like it. I was nervous, anxious, and really really unhappy.
I'm happy to say I'm doing much better. I've mentioned here before that I have major anxiety issues and back in September, I started seeing a therapist (woo, I said it and I'm not ashamed). I was a little depressed (her words) and just didn't know how to handle the transition I was going through.
I don't think I expected to struggle so hard. I figured I'd have trouble finding a job, adjusting to working in the real world, but never expected all this emotional baggage to pop up.
As the months went on, I started figuring out what trigged my anxiety, how to talk myself out of an attack, and how to let things go. I learned to focus on my happiness from within, not looking for things to satisfy me and make me happy. I'm responsible for my own happiness and that's what truly matters.
I've been handling everything so much better and started to realize a lot.
I'm a person who loves to stay home. As I'm writing this, I'm in my pajamas on a Saturday night, have been home all day and I find nothing wrong with it. Well, I realized that there is a lot wrong with it. Staying in my house because social situations sometimes cause anxiety, isn't healthy. I need to get out more, literally.
Yes I'm not like most 22 year olds—I enjoy low key nights and that's something I need to own instead of being ashamed of but on the flip side, I need to put myself out of my comfort zone.
I have realized that I need to do things, social things, that make me happy, not things I feel like I should be doing. A dinner with friends, a sporting event, brunch... anything that makes me excited to go too instead of dreading it. There's nothing wrong with saying no to something that you don't want to do but it got to a point where I wasn't making any effort to go out and that's a problem.
There are always times when I just don't feel like myself; I feel very "out of body" and very disorientated and just weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm just walking through my life instead of living it and that is a major thing I need to work on.
On the other side, when I went up to school last week for Big/Little night, I truly did hit my reset button. It felt alive, I felt happy, I felt like myself. Being with my sorority sisters, in a place I called home for 4 years, that nurtured me and made me feel alive... I have never felt more like myself and that's the honest truth. I came home feeling happy and good. I like that feeling.
In another aspect, I'm always tired. Always.Tired. It's an issue I'm trying to figure out by "attempting" to eat gluten free but it's difficult. I've never been this exhausted all the time, when I'm getting more than enough sleep. That's contributing to me not wanting to go out as well because my energy levels are low. Once that is on track, I think everything will be much better.
On the job front, I love it. That's the one thing about post grad that has been effortless, which is weird because that's usually the worst part. I wake up in the morning looking forward to work and enjoy my time in the office.
I've also been looking into freelance writing; I've sent a few articles to Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, but want to expand. I love to write and I write all the time here, but it's different than an article. I was trained in journalism and I miss that feeling of seeing my byline in a paper or on a website. That's a goal I'm working toward and it makes me feel good.
What brought up all these issues is the fact that I'm slowly but surely adjusting to post graduate life, life at home, and coming to terms with the fact that I'm an adult. I don't consider myself a "real adult", mostly a "fake adult" because I work part time and live at home, and don't have my shit together as nearly as much as I'd like too.
There are so many things I want to do, so many ideas and thoughts floating around... I know who I want to be but don't know how to get there.
Post grad is scary... I'm nine months out and it's still hard. I still get choked up thinking about my senior year or looking at pictures from "the good old days." I don't know if that feeling will ever go away but I'm working on it.
Everyone who has graduated college has probably felt this way and they've gone through it so I think I'll be okay.