I Really Wish I Was Raven and Could See the Future..

As I mentioned the other day, applying for internships has been stressing me out. I realized something though, it's not just the internship search, it's the future in general that is driving me nuts.

I'm 20 years old, I'm about to embark on my senior year of college and I'm terrified. The future is unwritten, it's unknown and that is uncomfortable. I hate not knowing where I'm going, what's going to come next. I'm nervous about my future because I want it to be perfect. I always feel like I'm not doing enough, that everyone else is better off than I am, that I'm behind the game. I've put so much pressure on myself to succeed in life that it's killing me.

I've taken on so many projects, put myself out there, and taught myself to NOT say no. I've become a professional, I've trained myself to think about my career and my future more than I'm thinking about the present. I've put so much of my focus on my work that I'm forgetting to enjoy right now. I've matured greatly in such a short amount of time and I'm just realizing it now.

The idea of a career and my future is always there, haunting me. Between websites and articles and career books, the future is always lingering in the air. I could never get away from it; the constant reminder is finger tips away. All I need to do is click on my bookmarks and read a post or article about interview tips or how to write the perfect cover letter...there is no escaping it. It's completely exhausting.

Now, I love doing all my side projects and being mature and doing extra things that will build my resume...even though I'm stressed, I do enjoy it most of the time. It's just in times like these when I have anxiety up to my nose that I start over thinking everything in life and everything seems worse than it is.

I just want to be able to enjoy my Friday nights with my sorority sisters without worrying about the pile of applications bookmarked on my computer, or nervous that I won't finish a blog post on time.  I want to enjoy myself, I should enjoy myself because I'm 20 years old. I'm still in college. I can't feel guilty for being 20 years old and not focusing 24/7 on figuring out where my life is going to go.

At the same time though, if I'm not going to worry about my future, who is? We have to make our own destinies, our own choices. My mommy isn't going to hold my hand on my first job interview; I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. And I'd say I've done a pretty good job so far, I just need to not let it consume me.

I think we all need to act that way. I've talked to so many of my friends recently who feel the same way. We're all wearing ourselves thin. We, our generation, have been trained to be overly concerned about the future. We are so nervous about graduating, getting a job that we actually enjoy, and having the picture perfect life that it's destroying us. It sucks that we all feel this way but at least I'm not alone. I'm not the only crazy one.

I don't mean to whine and complain because I know I've had opportunities that no one else has and I'm lucky that I enjoy every project I do, I just get crazy stressed sometimes and with all the deadlines approaching, the school year ending, and senior year upon me, I feel like a werewolf anticipating the full moon.

Like I said in my internship post, there is a lot of pressure put on our generation. We have a lot to growing up to do, a lot of preparing and a lot of soul searching but if we breathe, if we time manage, and if we just live a little, maybe we'll get there....without pulling the hair from our head.

1 comment

  1. I'm scared of the future too. This fear is a constant that will never leave our lives, but at this time of our life it's even worse, we have to decide what we actually want to do for the rest of our life and we have to achieve our biggest goals.

    It's such a big decision that when you realize that what you thought to be your path it's not anymore, you feel completely lost. This is what happened to me. It was one of the hardest time of my life.

    My solution does not include a "dream" job (at least not at the moment). Well, I love writing, but I'm not sure it's my call. What I'm doing at the moment is planning my next 5 years of college and I have plans such as the Erasmus program next year and more others for the following ones. The problem is that this plan is not a long term plan, but for now it's fine just a 5 year one. Maybe in 2-3 years I'll have more ideas and I'll be more sure about my long term future. Who knows?

    Being scared is normal, and it's right to be that way. Otherwise, it means you don't care at all.

    I wish you all the best :)